painsoflife

Pains of Life

In this paper, I will attempt to define the term "pains of life", and share my own "pains", as well as the impact that they have had on my life.

"Everyone suffers from the pains of life".
--Ziggy Marley, "Pains of Life".

What are pains of life?
Pains of life are events or incidents that occur in one’s life that are negative or painful. Also known as "growing pains", the pains of life usually teach us basic truths such as "life is unfair", and in the long run, can have a powerful impact on our lives. The term is a common Jamaican expression that my father often uses. I believe that pains of life are necessary, and can often be used for positive change.

When are pains of life first experienced?
The first experiences of pains of life usually occur in early childhood, though they continue throughout adolescence and early adulthood. Though I dealt with many such pains in early childhood, I didn’t experience any major ones until my middle teens.

What are some examples of pains of life?
Let me give you, the reader, some examples of pains of life drawing from my own experiences. I experienced my first pain of life at age three when I learned that I was "different". Now, being different wasn't so bad, it was the way people reacted to those differences that hurt. I was told over and over again that everyone was different. "Unique" was the term I was to hear, as I became older. Adults told me that this was what made the world go ‘round. However, I soon came to the conclusion that the adults were lying for I was constantly made fun of and humiliated. I was the butt of everyone’s jokes because my eyes "looked funny". It wouldn’t have been so bad if it were only the children who did the teasing, but the adults participated as well and their taunts were particularly cruel. This was one of the first of the "Great Lies" that I was to learn early in life; that being different was okay. Another lesson I was to learn was that there certain things that I was not allowed to do because I was a girl. Nice girls don’t climb trees. Little girls don’t play football; they play with dolls. Good girls don’t get angry. There were even certain careers that I couldn’t dream of having because I was a girl. This was the second of the "Great Lies", that everyone was equal regardless of gender.
I soon learned tougher lessons, lessons that are hard to talk or write about. I learned that there were things I couldn’t do or places where I wasn’t welcome because of the color of my skin. I learned that I had to work twice as hard as the next person does because I was an African-American. I was expected to live up to others stereotypical views such as not being intelligent, always yelling or using bad diction, and listening to certain types of music and eating certain foods. This was the third of the “Great Lies” that I was to learn, that hard work and a good education would take me anywhere. Also, because I had poor vision and seizures, I was expected to go to a "special school", where my chances of receiving a good education were slim to none. I fought and won the right to remain in an integrated school setting, but I noticed that people tended to treat me differently, expecting less of me because I was "handicapped". I quickly grew tired of people’s pitying attitude and grew angry when it was assumed that I couldn’t do something because of my disabilities. I was often called “retarded,” another term for developmentally delayed. This, of course, wasn’t true but it was (and still is) often assumed that if one had a disability, one’s intelligence was very low. I grew to resent this, so I began making a game of proving people wrong.
Responsibility came at an early age for me. At seven, my twin sister and I were already helping to care for our sick mother, who later died of diabetes. We washed, cooked, and cleaned house while my father worked. I often went with my mother to hemodialysis appointments, and it was my job to make sure that mum get her medications at the correct times and in the correct doses.
It was during this time that I was to learn a lesson that no child should ever have to learn. I began to experience the horrors of child abuse and what it does to one’s self-esteem. I gained intimate knowledge of fear, pain, and shame. Understanding that the adults who were supposed to protect me either couldn’t or wouldn’t, I quickly became mistrustful of all adults and soon learned to rely on myself.
I was to experience many more pains of life, some ordinary, and others not so ordinary. These examples, however, are sufficient for my purposes. Everyone has, at one time, suffered the pain of humiliation and most of us have suffered rejection in one form or another. We all realize that life is in some ways unfair, and that most of us have had to overcome some difficulty or another. What is important is what we do with all of this. Do we sit back and feel sorry for ourselves, or do we learn from our bad experiences and use them to create positive change?

How have the pains of life influenced my thinking?
At first, I experienced moments of anger and self-pity. I almost gave up on life because I felt that too many barriers had been put in my way from the very beginning. No one had to tell me that life was unfair. I knew that no matter how hard I worked, life would always kick me in the pants. However, I realized that giving up wasn’t the answer either, if I wanted anything from life. I formed my own expectations and began living up to them. I became an activist so that I could fight injustice in my own way. I began to bounce back from life’s knocks so that each time I became stronger and stronger. Therapy also helped in this process as I slowly came to like myself and to believe in my own intelligence and self-worth.
What really helped me was when I began helping others through their hard times. I learned to be a friend, to listen, and to empathize. I began to see that I wasn’t the only person who had problems and that I could teach others from my experiences and learn from theirs. I became less self-centered and brooding. Because others often helped me, I wanted to return the favor and be of help to other people. I found that educating people about certain issues helped a lot; people often don’t realize that they’re being insensitive. Also, I developed a thick skin. I was less sensitive to people’s malicious taunts and snide remarks, figuring that it was their loss they chose to be ignorant.
I also expanded on my game of proving others wrong. One major example of this was that I wanted to join my high school marching band. My Band teachers were not sure that this was possible as they had never taught a blind student to play an instrument, but I persisted and finally, they relented and I was able to join, paving the way for other students with disabilities to eventually join the Band. I learned not to listen to those who said that I couldn’t accomplish something because of my disability, sex, or race; I’d become immune to those cop-outs long ago.
It has taken me years to get where I am. Only through hard work and perseverance have I come thus far in this Glorious Struggle that I call life. Thanks to good friends, a wonderful new family, and the help of the Superior Being, I shall treasure all of these pains of life as little gems of knowledge that I’ll pick up along the path of my existence.

I hope that you were uplifted by this paper. Go back to the Writing Room, or go home, and mosey around the rest of my pad.

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